Move to New York, big fella, and all bets are off.

A few years ago, I wrote a piece for the Huffington Post that landed me in hot water with a lot of my colleagues: basically, I said that Manhattan’s ban on trans fats was misguided and pointless (because trans fats in their natural form exist pretty much everywhere and people like commercial bakers were going to be forced to use man-made trans fat-free chemicals in their baked goods, which is exactly what happened). I also said that the ban miraculously coincided with the announcement of an increase in profits by Monsanto, who was one of the producers of the trans fat-free chemical replacement fats. This falls squarely into the “if it looks like a dog and barks like a dog” category.

For my trouble, I received all manner of suggestion that I was going to The Dark Side, and that I was joining legions of anti-food police conservative shouters like Rick Berman. All I was saying was that replacing one artificial trans fat with another artificial fat was ill-considered; that it mostly had its roots in corporate profit (because, honestly, if the city of New York was so concerned about the health of  its inhabitants, dirty water hot dogs would be made illegal); and that the healthiest and smartest way for people to eat and to live was to enjoy “real food.” Want butter on your toast? Fine. Make it a little bit of excellent quality butter. Want a burger? Fine. Make it a good one and then don’t have one for a while. Enough with the big portions. Enough with the forced chemicals. Balance balance balance.

And then came December, when I wrote about a not-so-small cardiac problem that my doctors discovered I have, and gave me the usual instructions: drop some weight, cut down on animal protein intake. Take my Crestor. Keep my blood pressure down. And reduce my salt consumption.

So theoretically, I should have been Assemblyman Felix Ortiz’s (D-Brooklyn)champion when he introduced a bill to the New York State legislature this week banning the use of salt in New York restaurants. All salt. The proposed bill,A.10129 states

“No owner or operator of a restaurant in this state shall use salt in any form in the preparation of any food for consumption by customers of such restaurant, including food prepared to be consumed on the premises of such restaurant or off of such premises.”

Ortiz (who in 2001 introduced a bill lowering the state drinking age to 18) believes that the measure will actually allow residents to decide for themselves how salty they want their meals to be; presumably, they will be left to salt their dishes themselves, and will, theoretically, use less, assuming that salt shakers are still allowed on restaurant tables at all (and if not, will residents carry their own salt in their purses, like the packets of Sweet ‘n Low that my grandmother schlepped around in her bag until the day she died?). Anyone who has ever seen my mother in law salt a pile of mashed potatoes at her local diner knows the truth: many if not most people who salt their meals once they arrive at the table don’t actually taste the dishes before they salt them. So on the one hand, the bill won’t make a shred of difference. On the other, it will succeed in flattening and excising the flavor of all food prepared in all restaurants in the state. And while the result may be that residents and patrons will have possibly reduced their blood pressure, they’ll still likely drop dead of another misery-inducing affliction: culinary ennui.

Instead of foisting upon New Yorkers such a tasteless fate, I propose another plan: make portion control and real food education a mandatory part of public and private school curriculum.  Do away with hot and cold salad bars and breakfast buffets and all-you-can-eat night at Red Lobster. Teach diners that bigger and more are not culinary constructs: they’re driven by profit margins.

And then, teach people to cook. At home.

Salt-Baked Branzino for Two

There is, perhaps, no surer way to roast any firm-fleshed fish to silky succulence than to pack it in a hefty dome of salt, which functions as a sort of secondary oven guarding the fish against the harshness of direct heat. The result is moist, flavorful, sweet, fragrant, and decidedly un-salty. If you find this dish or a version of it on a New York menu, eat it now. Because it may become a thing of the past.

2 pounds kosher salt
3 egg whites
Sprigs of fresh thyme, oregano, or rosemary
1 Bay leaf
1 whole Branzino or Dorade, cleaned and de-scaled, about 1-1/2 pounds
good quality extra virgin olive oil
lemon wedges

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Place the salt in a bowl together with the egg whites, and combine thoroughly.

2. Spread a thin layer of salt onto a jelly-roll pan, cover it with sprigs of herbs and the bay leaf, and then set down the whole fish on the herbs. Pack the remaining salt over and around the fish, encasing it like you were burying your feet on a sandy beach.

3. Roast the fish for 30 minutes, remove from the oven, and, using the back of a spoon, crack open the baked salt dome and discard it. Remove any excess salt (there shouldn’t be much) from the fish using a pastry brush. Peel away the top layer of skin from the fish, and carefully remove the top fillet to a warm plate. Turn over and repeat. Serve with lemon wedges.