
I suppose I’m biased: my people are from Brooklyn. In the early 1900s, my maternal great-grandmother owned a boarding house in Williamsburg, where Caruso stayed one night while passing through town. His manager, Gatti Casazza, invited her into her own parlor where a small concert had been organized without her knowledge. She listened, and then she went back to work.

So the other day was my mother’s birthday; every year, I struggle with what to give her, because, since she doesn’t cook, it can’t be anything at all for her kitchen. And as a former model, she’s completely in-the-know about What They’re Wearing, and I don’t want to mis-hit either style or size-wise. One year I gave her a jacket — a cool, caramel brown safari jacket made out of butter-soft leather — and it was a medium. It might as well have been a tent for the way it hung off her.
“You must think I’m really big,” she said to me, although she did quietly confess to loving it. She returned it for an extra small, and on my birthday bought me a sweater that appeared to be cut for a Biafran six year old. “Hope it fits,” she said. “And happy birthday.”
More problematic is where to take her for dinner because, speaking generally, she doesn’t much like food. She likes crowds–or at least the right crowd–and certainly being seen, but food? She’ll push it around her plate like a maid rearranging dust. When I comment, she’ll say, “Must I eat fast? I eat slowly. S-l-o-w-l-y. Like most people.” And then they come to get her plate and it’s still full and she just smiles and nods yes, I’m done. We could be at Le Cirque and she could be eating an entire boned quail stuffed to its eyeballs with a brain-sized white truffle from Alba. But when you’re done, you’re done. My mother is a tough sell when it comes to food. And gifts.
Things were a little simpler when I lived in Manhattan, where shopping for interesting and unique things in almost any category was easily accomplished and there were virtually no mall stores; now I live, at least for the moment, in suburbia, where the nearest shopping is the mall and the nearest restaurants sometimes all blend together in a big preservative-laden, acid-washed amalgam of homogeneity. You can go to a mall in any part of my state and if you walk into Williams-Sonoma or The Gap or Banana Republic or Pottery Barn, you’ll be faced with not only the same items for sale; you’ll be faced with the same displays, right down to the faux autumnal leaves. Likewise, go to a McDonald’s in Dubuque or Denver, Dallas or Des Moines, and it all tastes exactly the same. It’s meant to. And this is exactly the place where the fast food model has draped itself over general retail, from clothing to cookware.
And now, it’s getting worse: we’re heading into the Christmas shopping season, which means that when I come home every day, I have to use a crowbar to remove the vast amount of catalogs stuck in my mailbox, proclaiming “This season’s must-haves! Give them the gifts they want!”
Who is they? Will they want the All Clad Ultimate Chicken Roaster which cantilevers the bird over the pan and looks like (with good aim) you could put it on the stove and catapult your roaster through the room, over the heads of your guests, and onto the platter waiting in the middle of your table? Will they want a must-have table-top tomato slicer? What ever happened to a knife? Or how about an electric vacuum marinator? Wouldn’t a zip lock bag and time in the fridge work just as well? Or how about a Handpresso, which looks rather like an enlarging device for men, and for $99 will allow you to create creamy espresso whilst on the hiking trail? Merry Christmas! Where will these gifts wind up on January 21st? Either back in the box and being returned, or in the FOR TAG SALE bin you have set up in your garage for next spring.









