Listen: you are not yourself.

October 18, 2013 · 27 comments

Cottage

“… you are crowds of others, you are as leaky a vessel as was ever made, you have spent vast amounts of your life as someone else, as people who died long ago, as people who never lived, as strangers you never met. The usual I we are given has all the tidy containment of the kind of character the realist novel specializes in and none of the porousness of our every waking moment, the loose threads, the strange dreams, the forgettings and misrememberings, the portions of a life lived through others’ stories, the incoherence and inconsistency, the pantheon of dei ex machina and the companionability of ghosts. There are other ways of telling.”
― Rebecca Solnit, The Faraway Nearby

 

I’ve just started reading Rebecca Solnit’s The Faraway Nearby, thanks to my friend Sarah Searle’s inclusion of this quote on her recent post about place and time, and the vagaries of age and experience. I gasped when I read Solnit’s words, like I’d been kicked hard between my shoulder blades; the air was forced out of my lungs.

When I lived in Manhattan — when I was busy and running on auto-pilot — I had a recurring dream, and I’d awaken with my mouth in a wide Munchian gape. Some nights I dozed so lightly that I couldn’t quite tell what side of sleep I was on; I dreamt that I was taking an enormous bite out of a cannonball-sized rock that had been mysteriously rolled to my feet in the middle of an empty field.  It was a dream of stability, of the desire for control, and stasis; it was about the need for something constant and sure at a time of crazy uncertainty.  I sat up in bed with my jaw aching and my head splitting, my mouth open in attempt to swallow up the loose threads and the porousness of life where every experience — good or hideous — travels through you, blows you around like a tumbleweed in a tornado, and where change is the only thing you can ever really be sure of, beyond death and taxes.

But change — too much of it too fast — can take a toll, and leave you spinning like a Dervish. So, a few weeks back, Susan and I got out of Dodge; we went to the central coast of Maine, thanks to the kind generosity of a dear friend with a pond-side summer cottage who said take it; go. We packed up the car and the dogs and the books and off we went, to catch our breath from the psychic whirlwind that has been the last six months: the bone-aching grief over losing people we love to both death and fury, the nonstop traveling, the book publication, the expectations and the deadlines, the forgettings and misrememberings, the gorgeous births and digital smiles, the boundaries vaporized, the sad feelings and the hearts broken. Never having seen it, I imagined — I prayed, somehow — that the cottage walls would be white-washed, as though the broad brushstrokes and watery paint on wood might engulf me; miraculously, they were, the floor newly glazed like a sea of Devon cream. When the sun streamed in through the wide windows facing the water, everything — the books, the boxes of toys, the Legos on the coffee table, the paintings — shone quietly in the house; it felt fresh and filled with another family’s love.

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Minutes after we arrived that late Saturday afternoon, Susan and I positioned two slip-covered brown and white chairs in front of the window, facing each other; we fell dead asleep. I watched her, silently, until I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. We slept that way for hours, sitting up like a pair of old women in our separate seats, waking up long after the sun had set. When I stood, I felt heavy and water-logged, and filled with the tears of an exhausting, labyrinthine  time that has almost — with its breathtaking joy and blistering loss — been too much to bear.

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For the fifteen years that Susan and I have been together, we’ve always spent at least a few days every year in a cottage or a cabin. Our vacations always followed arduous times: either we had too much work or we had none. Weeks after we lost my dad, we went to a tiny house in Vermont, to which we returned every autumn for almost a decade; the year following my dad’s death, we lost Susan’s Aunt Ethel. The year following that, we lost Susan’s Aunt Sophie. A few years later, we lost my cousin Harris. But no matter the circumstances or location, every night found us cooking together in someone else’s kitchen, making long, drawn out things we’d never cook at home — things that take time and energy and are old-worldly, like hand-cut pasta, or bread. But when I stood up from my chair a few weeks ago in Maine, I realized that this time, Susan and I hadn’t planned what we’d cook while we were away.

We hadn’t even talked about it.

This is, in part, because god (or whomever is controlling the marionette strings) is quite the little yuckster, with a totally warped, sly sense of humor. It wasn’t enough that when we left for Maine I felt soul-sucked and incapable of a straight thought; my body also decided that it had had quite enough too. And that’s what most of us fail to realize: that when the mind and heart are overrun — when your cache is full and your brain starts to send out 404 messages — your body gets the spillover, and then plays badminton with it. Years ago, when I was having my jaws-around-the-rock dream, I was also felled by some weird illness that resulted in raging fevers and a twenty-pound weight loss (I should only be so lucky now). When Harris died, I broke my ankle going down my front stoop, and instantly went into shock. When I lost my father, I was diagnosed with a controllable but potentially deadly heart condition that was discovered by chance.

“Face it,” the doctor said. “Your heart’s broken.”

You don’t know the half of it, buddy, I thought.

In this case, for weeks before we went to Maine — in the throes of dealing with loss and withering strife — virtually everything I ate made me ill; the comfort foods to which I normally turn — the pastas and breads — betrayed me. The places where I always sought culinary refuge and sustenance — places that I took for granted — deceived me. Cooking was the last thing on my mind.

So I didn’t plan to spend much time in my friend’s kitchen until we were there and I realized — hiking every day with Susan and our dogs; reading in silence; watching the water; and slowly mending body and heart with the kindness of family and friends old and new — that I was slowly getting hungry again. I would just have to think about food and life and what it means to be nourished, both literally and figuratively, in a very different way.

Listen, I think, I am not myself.

Only I am.

 

Someone I loved once gave me

a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand

that this, too, was a gift. — Mary Oliver

 

Cauliflower Flatbread

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Right. So what is this all about, exactly? Why the euphemisms and back-handed attempts at talking about culinary change? Why not be more direct in talking about what the heck is going on with me at the table? Fair enough.

For one thing, when writers start talking about finding (the proverbial) god — or health — in changing how they eat, some folks take offense; at the very least, it makes a lot of people uncomfortable. For another, there are plenty of folks out there who believe that (here I go; I’m going to say it) gluten-free eating is a trend that’s going to go the way of the Edsel anytime now. And the one thing I’ve always strived for here is to not make readers squirm, culinarily or otherwise. Snarky discomfiting writing is not what I’m about; you can find that in a lot of other places, but not here.

Over the last few weeks, when it became clear to me that, while stressed to the max, I am not currently able to eat what we would describe ironically as comfort foods — pastas, breads, pizzas — I started to remove gluten from my diet. It hasn’t been easy or even necessarily fun, and I’m here to tell you that it’s definitely not been trendy and hip. But it has worked; if it’s possible to feel like one is healing slowly from the inside out, I do.

One night while we were in Maine, we were invited for a meal to the home of the lovely Josh Hixson and Tara Barker; they own the incredible 40 Paper in Camden, and 3Crow in Rockland where Tara — who also writes the glorious A Baking Life  — is pastry chef. Most dishes available at each place either are or can be made gluten free; all of the desserts they serve are gluten free. And they are mind-bogglingly delicious. But when we had dinner at Josh and Tara’s home — with their gorgeous little boys running around us — and experienced astonishingly good grilled (gluten free) pizza, it heartened me and showed me the power of food made with kindness and thought, eaten in warm surroundings with great, new friends. It was a wonderful dinner, and for me, a healing meal.

All very nice. But what about the damned flatbread that I love to eat with almost every meal? Well, this cauliflower flatbread may be flat….but it’s really not bread. It is delicious, though, stores well in the fridge (and reheats to a nice crispiness in a dry cast iron skillet), and — I would guess — probably freezes well. Add to the “batter” almost anything: one one occasion, I folded in a sprinkling of Nigella (the seed, not the lady) and toasted cumin. On another, there was a small handful of thyme leaves, red pepper flakes, and good sea salt. It’s delicious wrapped around pretty much anything (like the vindaloo and Indian greens, below), and has been sort of my jumping-off point into this world. Thanks to Roostblog.com for creating the grain-free version of it.

Flatbread

Adapted from Roostblog.com

Makes 4-6 flatbreads

2 small heads cauliflower, cut into florets

1 egg

3 egg whites

1/4 cup sorghum flour

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon dried thyme leaves

pinch red pepper flakes (or to taste)

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Line a heavy-weight sheet pan with parchment paper, grease heavily, and set aside.

Pulse the cauliflower in a food processor until it resembles rice; you should have approximately 3 packed cups. Place in a dry saucepan and cook over medium heat for 5 minutes, stirring frequently, until the cauliflower rice begins to separate. Remove from heat and let cool. Fold the cauliflower rice into a clean dishtowel, gather up the ends and squeeze as much liquid as you can out of it. Place the cauliflower in a medium bowl and fluff with a fork.

Fold the egg and egg whites into the cauliflower and blend well. In a separate, small bowl, combine the sorghum flour with the salt, thyme leaves, and pepper flakes. Fold the flour mixture in with the cauliflower, and stir until thoroughly combined.

Using a ladle, spoon out rounds of the batter onto the greased parchment paper, smoothing out and flattening them to about 1/4″ as you go. Bake for 10 minutes, carefully flip with a flexible spatula, and continue to bake for another 6 minutes.

Serve warm.

 

 

 

{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Wendy Read October 18, 2013 at 6:18 pm

Beautifully written and I can so relate. I am also not eating gluten at this time, I stopped about 4 months ago as I was really sick. It was wonderful at first, so many great side effects and not being sick in the bathroom was one of them. I suffered today, I don’ t know why, I don’ t know what I ate that bothered me so. I am just in a state, so tired on every level. Your post was comforting and I would like to try this recipe out too 🙂

2 Maria October 18, 2013 at 7:36 pm

Oh my goodness, what a lovely post! I know what I am going to do with that lonesome cauliflower in my fridge now. Your writing is like comfort food for my soul. Thanks so much.

3 Mirinda October 18, 2013 at 7:47 pm

Your words are nourishing. Thanks for sharing your self this way.

4 Kathy October 18, 2013 at 9:20 pm

Thank you for taking the plunge. You’ve done it so well,& w/ your usual honesty & courage. I really love reading your blog-look fwd to it always.
Perhaps I will try this-something is wrong,& the components of emotional/physical exhaustion are there. So is the grief of losing loved ones,&y mother to the abyss that is Alzheimer’s.
I am grateful.

5 Elissa October 18, 2013 at 10:03 pm

Thanks Kathy–Just treat yourself well.

6 Elissa October 18, 2013 at 10:03 pm

Thank you so much Maria—

7 Nancy October 18, 2013 at 10:44 pm

Welcome back. Having spent a little time nearly every summer since childhood on Cape Cod in a tiny little cottage overlooking water, I know the feeling of reinvigoration you describe here, well.
And now a question about the flatbread: I’m not interested in being GF but I do want to try this flatbread! Is there something special about the sorghum flour, texture/taste-wise or may I just use my usual AP flour?

8 brenda October 18, 2013 at 11:47 pm

your writing is gorgeous — comfort food indeed — hope you are happy — you deserve to be

9 Elissa October 18, 2013 at 11:55 pm

Thanks Brenda—

10 Elissa October 18, 2013 at 11:56 pm

Absolutely— just try your AP flour. Let me know how it works out–

11 amber October 19, 2013 at 3:24 am

This post resonates with me. My father died last year after surviving for 5 months after a devastating stroke. A friend told me that losing a parent is ‘like a body blow’ and how right she was. Outwardly I looked normal, but my self shut down for the best part of a year and I felt as though I was in a kind of limbo. Eventually after many months I took hold of myself again and new feel on a far more even keel. We have no notion about how death will affect us and we are all different but we have to listen to the things that our bodies tell us and take heed. I send you both good thoughts from across the pond :0)

12 mimijk October 19, 2013 at 6:53 am

The recipe is awesome and I’m going to try it – but this time, your thoughts and your words enveloped me from the beginning and all I wanted to hear was that your soul was fuller, your heart happier and the feeling of promise had returned..

13 Elissa October 19, 2013 at 10:06 am

Mimi, it ebbs and flows. xxx

14 Margot Van Schaick October 19, 2013 at 4:55 pm

Elissa, so inspiring! I hope that I can look forward to your sharing recipes with us as you explore delicious, nourishing gluten-free food. I don’t think that I have any issues with gluten (so far), but one of my good friends does, and I’ve been researching yummy, good-for-you recipes, especially ones like this cauliflower flatbread, based on something we can grow in our gardens. Wishing you and Susan all the best as you go minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day through this grieving time, hopefully regaining the joy that comes with a feeling of well-being. Sometimes all we can do is breathe in and out and go about daily things, like eating nourishing food and washing the dishes. Your writing this post is a big step, actually.

15 Elissa October 19, 2013 at 4:57 pm

Thank you Margot

16 Emma October 20, 2013 at 3:10 am

Sounds delicious. My partner and I are both gluten free. I have coeliac’s and have been gluten free for over 10 years now. My partner is just sensitive to it. She get digestive issues from it but also mood problems. She can often have a small amount of gluten without any problems but my reactions to even a crumb of gluten are… umm explosive.

We have been lucky to move to a place that has fantastic gluten free options (and give it’s right out in the sticks it was totally unexpected).

We live in Australia though and haven’t been able to get a hold of Sorghum flour. Going to try this with our favourite gluten free blend.

17 Elissa October 20, 2013 at 8:54 am

Emma, let me know how it works out—Thanks for writing!

18 Dena October 20, 2013 at 3:05 pm

Thank you for writing this. I so appreciate your honesty and can relate to your struggles. Keep healing. Keep writing.

19 Nancy October 21, 2013 at 10:59 am

You write beautifully. I’ve subscribed and can’t wait for the next installment.

I’m also going to share the recipe for these cauliflower flatbreads with my daughter. I’m hopeless in the kitchen but she loves to cook. I wonder what she’ll decide to wrap them around.

20 Pia October 21, 2013 at 2:13 pm

Your words spill out and over so beautifully, Elissa.

21 -V- October 21, 2013 at 5:31 pm

Dear Elissa,

Thank you for sharing your eloquent writing, reflection, and introspection. Every essay (your blog is composed of something more substantial than posts) is a joy to read and this one has surpassed them all, for me. I can only hope to be as honest and vulnerable in my own writing.

On a lighter note, cauliflower flatbread sounds like the perfect substitute for an English muffin and an excellent base for a fried egg sandwich. My wife has discovered her own gluten sensitivity, which has renewed my love for cauliflower.

Best wishes for this tender time of year,

-V-

22 Denise October 23, 2013 at 9:14 pm

A friend told me to check out your blog and “Cooking With Mr. C.” on Facebook. I just “Liked” his page and came to look at your blog. I love when people share blogs with each other. Denise

23 Denise Mickelsen October 24, 2013 at 12:49 pm

Elissa, thank you so much for this beautiful post and the recipe, too! I can’t wait to try it.

24 Ken November 5, 2013 at 5:28 pm

The pictures in this post are amazing. Beautiful shadow coming through the window and the dog on the bed can’t be bothered, or maybe he’s meditating?

25 Nancy Valrance March 26, 2014 at 6:22 pm

I realize this post if about six months old, but I have just come to it. Love your way with words. Funny, I was remembering that you had said you were now gluten- free and resolved to write you and ask you to expound on that and in the next paragraph you gave us this recipe. Wonderful. I do understand how you feel about not emphasizing it, tho – I am trying to be inconspicuous about it, but it is really hard. I don’t want to be THAT PERSON. Also, I am a foodie and I don,t want to go to a restaurant and order the grilled ground beef with no seasonings. Yuk. I’e only been on this path about 6 weeks and would love to see another foodie tell me how to handle all this. Thank you! nancy

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